A lot has changed in a year. More on this soon. Hai. I is back.
A lot has changed in a year. More on this soon. Hai. I is back.
The death of Aunt Ba provided a renewed perspective on life for my family. Being reminded that anything at any time can happen really slaps you awake and makes you think about what’s really important.
Therefore, I will be punting over a percentage of my paychecks towards “The Babi Fund.” In the case that anything were to happen to my Uncle Babi, I will (at least) be prepared financially. Or if life is generous and kind, we can use the funds to travel the world together in the future.
This is going to be a secret. He’d freak out if he knew so shhhhh. Zip it, k? 🙂
This is probably one of the best ideas I’ve had in awhile.
Besides being back on WordPress, I’m also back in San Jose tonight after scoopin up one of my cousins from SFO. It’s a bit unfortunate that I’m finally updating this now with a not-so-cheerful post to talk about my aunt who recently passed away…but alas…we are here.
I’ll try to keep it short.
I know she’s in a better place after seeing her go through so much pain growing more and more fragile with each passing day of chemotherapy and blood transfusions. Seeing her not being able to control her body or what’s going on inside of her was one of the most painful things to witness. It was also very hard to see my uncle (her husband) grow thin from worry and sadness. Just thinking of him…
My family is still in mourning but they’re doing relatively a lot better than before. Tomorrow might be a different story, however. I have an inkling that I, too, will be destroyed once I arrive at the funeral.
Since that phone call from my mother informing me that Aunt Ba had finally passed, I’ve been stuck in this odd stoic place where internally I feel as emotional as a newborn baby but outwardly I haven’t shed many (or any) tears at all.
Where is my Mariah Carey breakdown? Why am I so stable now when just a little over a month ago when Shirley passed away, I was beyond the “Butterfly” album and more like the discography of Adele on repeat?
This has been bothering me for the past few days. How is it that a close friend of mine can pass away causing the Exodus flood to release from my eyes but when a beloved family member passes…nothing? This same behavior occurred when I was 12 when I thought my mother passed away (FYI she didn’t…but that was a close one). Everyone around me were emotionally destroyed while I exhibited no emotions. I was stoic yet again.
WTF is wrong with me?
IS there anything wrong with me?
A close friend of mine whose mother was a cancer survivor told me once that she thought it was stupidly cliche for people to say there’s a right or wrong way for people to react to situations such as this. We are all made differently. We’ve all gone through different experiences in life. How we react to grim situations can tell a lot about us but it doesn’t define us. She told me it was ok not to cry…that maybe I’m the rock that’s holding everyone else together. And though that’s a good thing…to also remember to allow myself to feel once the dust settles.
But I have been feeling…
And I suppose my friend may be right about how everyone reacts differently from one another, but I can’t help but feel confused by my actions (or lack of).
Maybe that’s just how I am. Maybe it’s delayed response. Maybe I’m in a perpetual state of self-analyzation and this isn’t that big of a deal.
Whatever it is, there is one thing I do know.
I miss her terribly.
And though I’m not crying or displaying my emotions outwardly, I hope she knows just how much I love her.
See you tomorrow, Aunt Ba. And happy belated birthday. (It was on Valentine’s day). Surprised that I remember? I always remember. I will also always remember you in my heart where you’ll be forever…
“Yes. Yes, I am crying. This is how it’s been since the beginning of my career. I cry and then I go back to work. You’d be surprised how much I cry. You know most people think that I’m fun and I’m cool and I’m optimistic but you know what? I’m a crier.”
“I’m way too close to my product, but I just i don’t know how to be any other way. And I don’t know how I’m going to keep my company going and, god, I just want to be home already.” – Victory Ford
First day of “class” went well!
Maybe more on this later. Maybe not. Probably not.
Well…too bad! Practice was canceled tonight! #womps
So because I’m going to be supes busy for the next 6 weeks or so…I decided to start danzing again (outside the shower…haha)!
Kento and I had dinner a few weeks ago where he easily convinced me to start practicin erry week at the studio down in South Bay.
Endorphins + Creativity = Dance = Perfect Combo.
I’m all sorts of excited.
Just recently I decided to go out less, drink less, and party less to save more money and have more me time. It’s been going well so far, but I DO find it a little funny when peeps look all bewildered and shit when I tell them I don’t like to leave the house on Fridays. They give me that “WTF face” as if staying in is the most ridiculous thing they’ve evar heard.
I suppose if you’re a young 20-30 something-year-old living in the City with a comfortable cash flow,… well, that’s pretty much what you do.
You go out. You meet people. You do happy hours. You party. You dance. You drink. Drank. Drunk.
Spend. Spend. Spend.
I ain’t rich and I got bills bills bills to pay.
So I guess
being aspiring to be the responsible oldest, Asian sister, I gotta put my priorities and lifestyle in check.
Luckily for me, dancing is freeeeeee.
Doing this will prevent me from having too much FOMO when I see my friends’ drunken tweets and FB status updates while they’re out and I’m at home sippin the Pinot in my loungewear, catching up on The Walking Dead.
Though honestly, maybe I’m gettin too grandma status but I actually prefer THAT over wasting my time meeting peeps I don’t really care about, overpaying for dranks I can get at the store (4Loko) and worrying over how I’m gonna get back home from X club/X bar.
I also don’t mind not having buyer’s remorse the next day from spending $X for a few hours of a good time. #TWSS? And hangovers that only a good pho #1 can cure? Yea. Not missing that one bit. Sans the pain and just gimme the pho.
It’s not like I don’t like to party anymore. I do. Just in doses now.
I’ve partied liked the best of them and I partied hard. And mayhaps, it’s a phase or I’m finally growing up, but I seriously can’t do what I did back then anymore. Are you crazy?! Too much, man! I need my energy! I need my sleep! And more importantly, I need my memories!
And let’s be real. I’ve done a lot of things…I probably shouldn’t and won’t share here. Or maybe I will in a future post depending on how I feel ATM. Haha. And though it was all sorts of fun and definitely made great stories I prefer staying in nowadays EVEN if I had hella cash to throw around.
But anyway, I digress. Back to the matter at hand.
Yes, I’m pretty excited to get my dance on annndd save monies. What up! Let’s hope next week’s practice isn’t canceled so I can get it on.
Till the break of dawn.
Ok. J.K. I’m too much of a grandma to dance till dawn but you know what I mean…
Soley has zee best timing. I freakin swear, maaaann! Just when those annoying doubts started to sprout up again, I got a full dose of encouragement and support via email.
It’s the simple things…
And I suppose timing too.
Just last week when I was out with Cat getting fondue for dinner after a stressful few days, I received a few surprising texts from Soley.
Sole: You need to move to _____.
Me: I do! Why my dear?
Sole: Jus been feelin like telling u that.
Sole: gut insticts / put the _____ in _____ / bay area will ALWAYS be waiting for u / goldfish is only as big as the bowl / bigger the bowl, bigger the potential growth
Sole: Life is too sort to be living just one. Live as many different lives as possibly can / sj check. Davislife check. SFlife check.
Me: Wow. Thank you so muchhh! I appreciate you so much! Love you 🙂
Sole: U been desiring…follow ur desires b4 momentum /motvation fades …..;D
Sole: *Sole wave high five!!!!*
I’m truly lucky & blessed. Seriously. How often do you find friends that unselfishly tells you to leave them just to follow a dream that seems so far, so unattainable, so unrealistic with no guarantee of a happy ending (whatever that means)?
She’s the Jazz to my Will, the Harold to my Kumar and the Biggie to my Tupac (except living).
I am so thankful for people like her being in my life and I only hope that I can be as supportive and encouraging to the people around me when given the opportunity. Gotta pay that ish forward, nahmean?!
And by the way, the above text in the email is from Timothy Ferriss’s The Four-Hour Workweek, another book gathering dust on my “night stand” (it’s actually a fireplace…but same thing…kinda).
Anyhow, after refueling myself with a bit more confidence and drive, I guess it’s time to suit up again! And prepare to do battle for a dream that is worth dreaming…
So technically the first day of “school” is Thursday. And guess what? GAH! We already have a presentation to present!
Uhhhh. Sup bruh. You realize you only gave me & my dream team 2 days to create a Business Model Canvas & present our pitch right?
Oh. That’s right. This is all accelerated. #womps. -______-
Anyway, yes. Today (or rather…tonight) is technically not the first day of “school,” but it IS the first time I’ll be meeting the rest of my team–the peeps I will be working closely for the next 6 weeks…
So far errything have been falling into place. Last week, I verbally signed over my soul for the next month and a half to C.Ling. He submitted the application. We found out we got accepted on Black Friday (HAAAY! Talk about things to be thankful for, ey?). We found out what our first milestone was today so we’ll most likely discuss it over tonight’s dinner.
Geezus. Things are definitely moving fast. Am I in college again?
Seems like it.
I don’t even have the time or energy to be excited over meeting “my classmates.” Oh wells.
Anyway, I hope it all works out. But if not, I know I’ll still grow from this experience. It’s time to step up again and be a leader. Be a risk taker. Be an inventor. Be an executor (of ideas…not living things…har har).
In other news, I’ve been tweaking a few of my friends’ resumes and cover letters. Though a bit time-consuming, it’s actually been pretty fun to work on. I definitely need to update mine at some point as well. HAH! Who knows. If this whole thing doesn’t work…I suppose it’s time to move on to new challenges. New job finally? Perhaps even a new…city? #foreshadow
Neener neener. 😛
We all have secrets we keep locked away from the rest of the world–friendships we pretend, relationships we hide. But worse of all is the love we never let show. The most dangerous secrets a person can bury are those we keep from ourselves.
I wasn’t going to say anything to anyone nor was I going to freakin write about it here, buuuuuut I felt the need to. I was actually going to do a photo update on my NY & DC trip (I know. I know. HELLA. FUCKIN. LATE. haha).
But who knows. Maybe in years (or even months) to come I can go back to WordPress and remember today as the day…I signed my soul over.
WOW. Dramatic much?
Just a little.
I guess it’s not thaaaaat big of a deal. But then again, it has the potential to be.
I’m trying not to put all my eggs in a basket but I’m pretty excited and scared as a muthah. The next 2 months is gonna be a doozy…
Good bye, friends!
Good bye, free time!
Good bye, Thursday-Sudachi-sake-bomb-and-90s-night! #sigh
Hello, hard work!
Hello, hustle grind!
Hello, adventure (see what I did there? ;))!
That is all I can disclose at ATM. Which is basically a whole lot of nothing. Haha! My bad for being so cryptic/short. Let’s just hope errything falls into place and if it doesn’t…
Well. It’s all about the journey right? Not the destination?
Life is a journey,
Not a destination,
There are no mistakes,
Just chances we’ve taken
Lay down your regrets cause all we have is now…
…sometimes you feel like you’ve got something to prove
Remind yourself that there’s only one you
Just take a moment to give thanks of who you are.