Even The Nicest People Have The Darkest Secrets

Just as there are two sides to every story. There are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world. And another we keep hidden inside. A duality governed by the balance of light and of darkness. Within each of us is the capacity for both good and evil. But those who are able to blur the moral dividing line hold the true power.

Moments Before Darkness - Decisions - Jamie Lei Wong

"Moments Before Darkness" series - "Decisions" - Jamie Lei Wong

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What Do You Want To Do?

Wanna be a — baller, shot caller
Twenty inch blades — on the Impala
A caller gettin laid tonight
Swisher rolled tight, gotta sprayed by Ike

HAHA. I freakin’ love that song.

So it’s been forevar and a yesterday since I’ve touched this blarrhhhg. My bad. Life kinda got a bit cray (even more so than usual) since my trip to NY  & DC. It was only last week that I finally uploaded pics from the trip onto my laptop. (hello, LATE).

So speaking of NY…after I landed and settled in a bit at Liz’s spot, I…

TOOK A NAP! hahaha! I hardly had any sleep on the plane so I needed my cat bear nap. I’m pretty sure Rex thought I was dead. I slept for a good 4-5 hours and missed my chances of going to the Mets game (one day). Poop.

Anyway, when I woke up, I went online (#workaholic) and Google chatted a bit with my brutha from another mutha, Tony. I discovered that after our long conversation a week before, he wrote up a post on HIS blaaahhhg about what’s been occupying my mind as of late.

“What do you want to do?”

just a throwaway question. i was sitting in the void where most people my age tend to end up from time to time. not necessarily being where they are and not necessarily knowing where they want to be. so in an attempt to make company for my misery i asked someone who has and is doing so much, i figured she would know. after a while i got a pretty good answer that i dont think even she knew she was going to say.

what do you want to do? what does that mean to you when you hear it? my job? my life? my evening? i didnt realize how much  you can find out about someone by asking them this question. i didnt know how much i had found out asking myself. how they answer it opens the door into who they are and they dont even realize it.

what do you want to do? make more money? where does that take you, being inexplicably rich? you wont have the time to be that rich. you just think that is what will make you happy. or maybe that will make you stand just a bit taller than everyone else in the room. maybe it is the hunger for power, to be the best. it is a lonely place up at the top.  more than one lifetime of money never made any sense to me. but it drives people, more than love and passion. it drives people beyond their own self worth. you want to know why you want more money? you wont have the time.

what do you want to do? find a girlfriend, boyfriend, both? you want a significant other so badly, you forget your individuality. you want companionship solely because of your fear of loneliness. the idea intrigues you more than the actual. come action time you dont really understand what it means and what to do. what’s the problem? you dont know what it means to be alone. you compromise yourself to find someone and when you do you will feel more alone than you have ever been. learn to be alone first and once you do someone will enter your life. its a freaking miracle.

what do you want to do? leave a mark on the world? what does that mean? do you even know what it means when you say that? do you think helping out in a soup kitchen once a month is leaving your mark? adopting a foreign child to raise is leaving a mark? donating your hard earned money is leaving a mark? you are just a generous person.  but if you want to leave a mark, free some slaves, save the forests, start a revolution. that is leaving  a mark. stick to being generous. do not discount your generosity. the world needs more generous people.

so what do you want to do? most people never really think about the question before they answer. keep pressing and keep digging deeper. get pass the surface desires. get to the very core. ask why. in the end you find out who you really are. in the end you find out what really drives you. in the end you find out what you really want to do.

“be passionate about myself”  hey now.

So what do you want to do with your life?

When Tony asked me this question I replied with “live it.” I’m surrounded by so many of my friends who complain on the daily about the jobs they have, the people they’re dating, the neighborhood they live in, etc. #snookiewhine

Seriously? If you don’t like the situation you’re in. DO something about it.

Dig deeper. Find what makes you happy. Find direction.

Find yourself.

What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? What are you passionate about?

Ask yourself. Know yourself. Be yourself.

(rinse & fuckin repeat)

ANYWAY…

Do I know what I want to do?

No doubt.

Do I know where I want to go?

Definitely.

Do I know who I want to be?

Sometimes.

And what am I passionate about?

I’m passionate about myself.

How Bad Do You Want It?

How bad do you want it? How much is it worth? What are you willing to do, to give, to sacrifice, to put in to make your dreams come true?

It’s easy to talk about. It’s easy to think about and get lost in. But are you willing to put in all that you have to make a dream into a reality?

I used to crack jokes and talk about how we shouldn’t chase people (as fine as he may be…daaaamn), but rather chase our dreams. What I’ve come to realize is the difference in being an idealistic dreamer chasing our dreams vs. living out our dreams.

You want to be an actress? You want to change the world? You want to save lives? You want to be the best engineer in your company? You want to open up a clothing store? Whatever it is you want out of life, big or small, how are you getting there? How are you working your way closer to that goal? Get up from your lazy ass, stop talking and start doing. Start living.

Instead of merely chasing, go out there and do something about it. Go LIVE your dream. Time is never going to slow down for you. It’ll keep on moving as you should too. And like my boy A. Rock said, “you can dream a little dream or you can live a little dream i’d rather live it cuz dreamers always chase but never get it.”

So?

How bad do you want it?

But more importantly, how are you going to get it?

Empire State of Mind. State of Life.

In New Yawwwwk! Concrete jungle where dreams are maaaaade! Oooh! There’s nothing you can’t do. Now that you’re in New Yawwwk!

Ok. I know it’s annoying to see any body of text start out with the lyrics to Jigga’s Empire State of Mind when referring to NY…but I couldn’t help it. I love cliches. My life is full of them. So why not?

*(Is it a cliche to hate cliche’s?)

The last time I was back in New York was April. I went twice.

The 1st trip was all paid for compliments of J.Yu’s company. J.Yu invited me to be his +1 on his company trip to Jamaica (the island, not the city) so on the way there, we decided to stop by NY for a few days. Again, compliments of his company if you didn’t get that the first time (wooo! free is mah fave).

I was the lucky, chosen one only because his back-up backed out (his first choice was a girl he was tryin to holler at. So basically, I became the back-up to his back-up. So you can go ahead and stop it if you thought there was little somethin’ somethin’ going on between us. I was the last pick.)(I didn’t mind, though. #freetrip)

The 2nd time was with a group of friends from college. We went for Goldie’s birthday and stayed at the W Hotel in Union Square (BTN central. eck).

Some old friends. Some new friends.

Both trips were fun in it’s own way. Having J.Yu be my partner in crime was not too bad since he was pretty much down with most of the things I wanted to do (in particular: attending a Yankees game)(CHECK!).

Yankee Stadium.

The group trip was a little hectic since we had to keep doing roll calls to make sure no one was left behind. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends. But there’s just something about traveling alone that is WAY more appealing to me…

When you travel alone, you don’t have to worry about anyone else but yourself.

You don’t have to worry about holding someone back from anything they’ve had their heart set on, but is too shy to let you know.

You don’t have to sacrifice your time by going along with something you don’t really give a fuck about.

You don’t have to feel pressured to spend more money then you really should.

You don’t have to hold back or compensate for anything.

You don’t have to commit to anything or anyone.

You don’t. You don’t. You don’t!

What do you get instead from traveling alone?

You get freedom.

You have the freedom to stay in, order room service & actually enjoy the hotel room that you’re overpaying for.

If you’re staying with friends, you have the freedom to spend quality, alone time catching up with and not have to be sensitive to the 3rd, 4th or however many wheels you’re lugging around with you.

You have the freedom to not do any touristy things that you’re “supposed” to see/do while you’re in the city you’re visiting.

You have the freedom to stay up until some ungodly hour, finding yourself bearing witness to the rising of the sun.

You have the freedom to be 21 & invincible (or so you think) again getting near black-out drunk and stumbling back to wherever you’re staying.

You have the freedom to make decisions that may seem good at the time but you know you’ll regret in the morning.

You have the freedom to sleep in so late, your first meal might as well be dinner.

You have the freedom to get lost, find your way, get lost again and rinse & repeat until you’ve figured it out. And later find that you’re still a bit lost but you’re ok with that.

You have the freedom to do whatever you want and go wherever the wind takes you.

Freedom. So pure. So simple.

Growing up, my childhood was not like many others (See. Total cliche right there). My world was rocked hard when I was 12 years old and when I turned 15, I became my family’s sole breadwinner. The worker’s permit allowed me to work three jobs during and after school when my friends were off rebelling and gettin into trouble (like normal jr. high/high school kids).

Don’t you dare feel sorry for me though! Shiiettt. Just cause I was workin my ass off doesn’t mean I was a total lamebot.

Somehow, on top of gettin that paper, I also had the time to consistently be on the honor roll, get involved with yearbook, play sports every season (varsity basketball, softball & volleyball. haaaay!) and earn decent grades that allowed me to earn my golden ticket to bizz-ounce from San Jose and off to college.

The homies/soccer team. Check out my chola hair.

Even though I got the hell out of San Jose, I still had obligations and responsibility that I could not escape from. Following the trend I already had going, I picked up 3-4 part-time jobs while hustling around as a full-time college student.

I’m so fuckin hard. I know.

Ever since…ever, I’ve always felt like a lone ranger, a lone wolf amongst my peers and the people around me. Having to grow up fast and dealing with what life has dealt me has given me a different perspective on life, love, family, everything.

It took awhile but what I’ve learn from the past decade or so is that you can’t escape your past. You can’t run away from your problems. You can’t avoid who you are. And you can’t pretend to be anyone else but you. And even if you try. No matter where you run. You just end up running into yourself.

I know all this. I remind myself everyday. But not gonna lie. It’s pretty nice sometimes to pretend.

So whenever I get the chance, I travel. And I prefer to travel alone. Cause to me, traveling is freedom and that’s something I never want taken away from me.

I can leave all my troubles behind for a hot second and just be. I don’t have to be Jenn the breadwinner, Jenn the older sister, Jenn the reliable friend, Jenn this, Jenn that. I am free to be whoever I want to be. Myself.

I get to be me.

Flawed. Broken. Human. Alone.

I get to be a bit selfish, a bit self-centered, a bit all-about-moi. And you know what? It’s completely OK…

And since I can’t afford therapy, traveling will have to do for now.

*Anyway, it’s now 1:18am P/4:18am E time and I just noticed I only have 17 minutes left of battery life on my laptop (the outlet next to my seat is broken #wompwomp). I’m not sure what got into me with writing such a strange post (strange as in…I shared a shit load of info!), but issss cool. I don’t even know if any of this makes any sense, but who gives a fuck. It’s a blog. It’s not an editorial. I’ll write whatever I want.

Penis.

Ok. I don’t want to end this entry with “penis.” So here’s some quick NY trip updates before my laptop totally dies:

  • Staying with friends – Chelsea & Brooklyn.
  • Gonna try to turn my brain off/not think/make too many decisions (so friends, if anyone actually reads this…if you wanna hang with me, please make the effort. It would mean a lot to me if I don’t have to exercise my brain)
  • Brooklyn Bowl???
  • METS game!
  • Philanthro New York happy hour event
  • Ippudo & Halal Cart
  • Views. views. views.
  • Uniqlo, Nicola Fomicetti, Topshop – SOHO
  • Bump hearts with friends.
  • Make new friends (i.e. kick it with strangers)
  • Make bad decisions. = Make good stories.
  • Just. Fuckin. Live.

*5 minutes of battery life yet. Not going to re-read what I just brain-dumped. See you soon, NY!

Cause we ain’t playin up here in New York – Ja Rule

Rude Awakening / Social Media Whore

I haven’t been able to sleep well lately and last night was no exception. I couldn’t fall asleep until 2am-ish when I was already in bed by 12:30 (well…I was still on Facebook on my Droid until maybe 12:40 but anyway…)

About 2 hours later (4am in case you couldn’t calculate and/or if you’re not Asian) when I finally entered through the gates of REM…my eyes flew open.

I was wide awake.

A mosquito bit me! That little effer bit my FINGER and the side of my FACE. WHY?!

Also, how the hell did a mosquito wake me up?

Weird.

Fortunately, after applying some Hydrocortison Valerte that I just happen to have lying around in case of situations like this (can never be too careful), I fell right back asleep knowing I’ll be Zombie Panda status in the mornin’.

Rawr.

Yet, even so…that doesn’t stop me from starting my day off like any other.

and BTW…

WHAT!?

Me?! Social Media Whore?!

Ok. Issss true.

Thought Stream

It’s been a while, but I fiiiiiinally made it to the Richmond to kick it with BMac this past weekend. We decided to pick up some dim sum Saturday morning, but before heading back to his place to devour the glory that is fried taro puffs and dumplings, we decided to pick up some instant Vietnamese coffee packets (crack-in-a-cup) from the local Asian mart.

While he was in line to pay, I wandered over to the Asian bread section…

 

Thought Stream:

Oooooh! Hawaiian Sweet Bread!

Bread from Hawaii. 

Hawaii.

Do I want to go back to Hawaii? 

I wonder how much flights are…

 

Yeeeeaaaaa…

I think I may have a problem…(no I don’t. I’m awesome).

Ode to Meow-sic

“Don’t be THICKE. You don’t need a DOCTOR to figure it out. MUSIQ doesn’t all consist of the mainstream or those who are NOTORIOUS or BIG like pop stars. It doesn’t have to be the STORY OF THE YEAR either. I like the music that has ROOTS. It ain’t gotta be a TRIBE of GHOSTFACE people from the WEST or your GYM CLASS HEROES. It can come from the COMMON people caught in a FIASCO along with the future LEGENDs of the MOS DEFinately dope, the most NASty, HIEROGLYPHICS-writing, DILATED PEOPLES with my fellow SOULJAHs and OUTKASTS, the world has ever known.”

Kisses.

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Sooooo I moved out of the Mish to Russian Hill with a friend from college. It’s been about a month at the new crib and mayhaps I’ll explain more about this later, but for now…peep them pictures. Kthnxbye!

Outside View of the Building

Building

Wendy’s Room…that minx.
Wendy's Room

Wendy's Room

My Boom Boom Room
My Room

Living Room with perf. natural sunlight.
Living Room

Kitchen
Kitchen

Hallway
Hallway

Starting Anew

Oh. So if you didn’t know…I moved to San Francisco this past mid-March. After months of debating whether I should/should not make the move and having many friends push me towards “the right” direction…I finally pulled the trigger, packed up my belongings, and moved to the Mission.

It’s only been a few months and so much has happened already! Now that I got all my traveling (for now) out of the way, I’ll be staying local and will most likely have a few stories to tell as I explore this beautiful gem of a city.

Also, I’m planning on being better at this blogging thing. As busy as I am on the reg. I need want to share my thoughts, experiences, adventures and most importantly…misadventures in my new home, “The City.”

I’ve been in crazy busy bee mode for the past few days weeks months year and many friends and family have asked me what I’ve been up to and what’s going on with my life. With so many events to plan, projects to design, new places to explore, destinations to uncover…this might just be the most efficient (though less personal) way of sharing.

So here goes nothing, SF. Please be kind.

And let’s hope I can make it past 2 posts this year. (haaaah)

“I’m always out there thinking maybe
Could this be a big mistake?
Have I made the wrong decision?
Is this the right road to take?”

“And I feel the fire burning deep within my soul,
Struggling for protection,
When I reach it, let me know!
And I feel I need some guidance,
But my heart won’t let it show,
And although the road is frightening,
I’m gonna make it on my own!”

What’s Your Type?

Last week my high school friend posted a link on my Facebook wall. Immediately realizing the link was a monologue tribute to the popularly despised typeface, Comic Sans, I was overcome with excitement and had to share it with my dear friend, Richmond. I posted the following link on his Facebook wall:

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/monologues/15comicsans.html
(note: click the link and read the monologue before proceeding to make sense of the rest of the entry)

Comic Sans TypefaceAfter a few hours from posting the literary treat, I received an email notification (Yes, I know there is a way to get rid of that, but I actually enjoy not having to check my Facebook for new comments and “likes”) that Richmond replied to the posted link with his own personal monologue:

“If Comic Sans were a person, I’m sure we’d get along smashingly and have a drink every now and again. But in all honesty, Comz, as I’d call him on familiar terms, just isn’t my type (literally); I envision him suffering from a stunted mental maturation, likely caused by rising to fame at an early age and never really having to grow up. I mean, let’… See Mores face it, his fan base is comprised of people who have a high rating on what we’ll call the Bieber Index, for reasons that don’t need to be discussed here, definitely not the most innovative people in the world, but what they lack in taste, they make up in sheer mindless mass consumption. Maybe we wouldn’t go out together (largely because I wouldn’t want to be seen in public with him), but that’s not to say I wouldn’t invite him over just to hang out every once in a while. Truthfully, I imagine he’d always be coming over to my place anyway because his landfill-adjacent trailer would be too small and lacking in potable drinking water.”

I was so impressed, inspired AND amused by Richmo’s wit and creative writing, that I took a stab at writing my own monologue in reply to his:

“To my glorious Richmosis,

You may enjoy a glass of bordeux from time to time with comic sans but I would probably never partake in such merriment. We never got along and never will. Like you, he’s not my type and i’m just… not that into him–not even if he was the last font in the univers! He just doesn’t get that when a girl says no, she really means no! Surprising me and appearing in places I least expect is never cute. It’s grotesque and also a good indicator that there should be some sort of restraining order.. or better yet, he should be locked up and have the key destroyed. I have rejected all his letters (literally) and have turned the courier away countless times. When will he get a clue? Even his creator, Connare, admitted that he never intended “Comz” to run around rampant. The futura he saw was one where “Comz” would serve his life peacefully in his rightful place, comic books. Instead, Connare created a monster! (Though he now claims it was all an azkidenz).

Alas, as “Comz” is free to roam the world, we will never be safe. He may appear approachable and harmless with his hand-drawn and playful nature, but do not be fooled! Once met, he is relentless and will follow you across land and sea from Georgia to Geneva. He knows no boundaries in culture nor language. Rumor has it, he was such a jealous lover, he once shot the serif! We have to get with the times and realize there may be no stopping him and his destructive ways. He has made an impact in this century and have gained followers such as papyrus. Who knows what else he has up his sleeves! Anyhow, the time has come. I bid thee farewell as I go once again into hiding. Please visit soon! We would have a rockwell time in gotham. Oh snaps! I hope he’s not reading this…

❤ J.Sweets”

Yes, we are designerds. Judge us if you like for our great wit and intellectual (not to mention…humble) nature. But before you do, just tell me one thing.

What’s your type?