Besides being back on WordPress, I’m also back in San Jose tonight after scoopin up one of my cousins from SFO. It’s a bit unfortunate that I’m finally updating this now with a not-so-cheerful post to talk about my aunt who recently passed away…but alas…we are here.
I’ll try to keep it short.
I know she’s in a better place after seeing her go through so much pain growing more and more fragile with each passing day of chemotherapy and blood transfusions. Seeing her not being able to control her body or what’s going on inside of her was one of the most painful things to witness. It was also very hard to see my uncle (her husband) grow thin from worry and sadness. Just thinking of him…
My family is still in mourning but they’re doing relatively a lot better than before. Tomorrow might be a different story, however. I have an inkling that I, too, will be destroyed once I arrive at the funeral.
Since that phone call from my mother informing me that Aunt Ba had finally passed, I’ve been stuck in this odd stoic place where internally I feel as emotional as a newborn baby but outwardly I haven’t shed many (or any) tears at all.
Where is my Mariah Carey breakdown? Why am I so stable now when just a little over a month ago when Shirley passed away, I was beyond the “Butterfly” album and more like the discography of Adele on repeat?
This has been bothering me for the past few days. How is it that a close friend of mine can pass away causing the Exodus flood to release from my eyes but when a beloved family member passes…nothing? This same behavior occurred when I was 12 when I thought my mother passed away (FYI she didn’t…but that was a close one). Everyone around me were emotionally destroyed while I exhibited no emotions. I was stoic yet again.
WTF is wrong with me?
IS there anything wrong with me?
A close friend of mine whose mother was a cancer survivor told me once that she thought it was stupidly cliche for people to say there’s a right or wrong way for people to react to situations such as this. We are all made differently. We’ve all gone through different experiences in life. How we react to grim situations can tell a lot about us but it doesn’t define us. She told me it was ok not to cry…that maybe I’m the rock that’s holding everyone else together. And though that’s a good thing…to also remember to allow myself to feel once the dust settles.
But I have been feeling…
And I suppose my friend may be right about how everyone reacts differently from one another, but I can’t help but feel confused by my actions (or lack of).
Maybe that’s just how I am. Maybe it’s delayed response. Maybe I’m in a perpetual state of self-analyzation and this isn’t that big of a deal.
Whatever it is, there is one thing I do know.
I miss her terribly.
And though I’m not crying or displaying my emotions outwardly, I hope she knows just how much I love her.
See you tomorrow, Aunt Ba. And happy belated birthday. (It was on Valentine’s day). Surprised that I remember? I always remember. I will also always remember you in my heart where you’ll be forever…